I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize