I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
