you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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