and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
