my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
