i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
