My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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