So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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