Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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