I CAN MOONWALK!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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