Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She bit a glass in half.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
