sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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