I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm really busy with my period
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