Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
