DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
