Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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