i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
