I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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