Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
