I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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