operation have a gay friend backfired
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
