Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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