were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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