I love having hate sex.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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