dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
