I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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