All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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