2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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