i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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