so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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