If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize