Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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