I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize