You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
