i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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