yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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