You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
