just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize