If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
