I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
