i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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