i just wanna soil my oats bro
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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