I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just high enough for therapy.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
