So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
