i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
this will be a night to untag.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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