How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The air was thick with penises
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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