I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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