Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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