so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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