A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
