omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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