i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Semen is not good for contacts.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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