saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
