I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
