I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
