When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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