The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
