i love accidental penises.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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