remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize