someone threw a dead crab at me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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