your room smells of hookers.
And success
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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